Cyber-bullying, What Every Parent Should Know

 Do you ever worry about your children getting beaten up on the school playground? Probably not, but many of us wonder if our children are being bullied online or having their reputations scorched on Facebook. Cyber-bullying is becoming an increasing source of anxiety for parents and the numbers show this behavior is quite common among tweens and teens.

Here are some revealing statistics:

• 58% of 4th-8th graders haven't told their parents or an adult about something mean or hurtful that happened to them online.

• 42% of these kids have been bullied while online. 

• 35% have been threatened online.

• 21% have received mean or threatening e-mail or other messages.

• 53% of kids admit having said something mean or hurtful to another person  while online.

          Based on 2004 i-SAFE survey of 1,500 students grades 4-8 

 Definitions of cyber-bullying:

• Any kind of insult, humiliation or threat which uses text-messaging or internet technology to hurt another person.

• Posting photos without permission online/sending photos via e-mail or cell phone.

• Forwarding IM conversations and/or spreading rumors online.

• Public posting of telephone numbers, home addresses and passwords.

Our first and best option as parents is to talk to our kids about cyber-bullying. This begins with explaining the different types of wired/wireless bullying. The next step is to teach your child how to respond, ignore and block unwanted senders. Ideally, your child will talk to you when this is happening, but more than likely, you'll need to discover this on your own (more about internet monitoring software in a moment).  According to Internet Safety expert, Richard Shuster, M.S.W., "Girls are far more likely to be cyber-bullied than boys (practically double the likelihood). This is significant as girls statistically are more prone to depression than boys AND tend to have suicidal thoughts more than adolescent males do as well. When we were in school if a kid was bullied, they had a reprieve after they got off the bus and on weekends. Now, cell phones and computers allow bullies to add horrific stressors to their victims at all times without any real break for a child to recover. This is unprecedented and I would not be shocked to see someone draw a comparative study between PTSD and kids who have been victimized by cyber bullying."   There have been cases where children have committed suicide as a result of being emotionally wounded by a cyber-bully.  A Yale University study shows that bully victims are two to nine times more likely to report having suicidal thoughts than other kids. If your child has been bullied online or in person, be sure to ask directly or indirectly if he or she has had thoughts of suicide. Seek professional help immediately if the answer is affirmative.

Here are some ways to help your child with an online issue:

 Report problems to your Internet Service Provider (ISP)

Most cyber-bullying and harassment incidents violate the ISP's terms of service. Many ISPs will close a cyber-bully's account (which can also close their parents' household account). You should report incidents to the sender's ISP, not yours. If you use an internet monitoring software, this is much easier to discover. If your child's account has been hacked or their password compromised, or if someone is posing as your child, you should make a formal report to your ISP as well.  But, before changing your password, you should scan your computer for any hacking programs or spyware, such as a Trojan horse virus. If one is on your computer, the cyber-bully may be able to access the new password. Most good anti-virus programs can find and remove a hacking program. 

 Report problems to your child's school or the bully's school.

Most cases of cyber-bullying occur off school grounds and outside of school hours. In the United States, often the school has no legal authority to take action relating to an off-premises and after hours activity, even if it has an impact on the welfare of their students. However, you should notify the school (especially if your child suspects who is behind the attacks). They may not be able to take disciplinary action, but they can monitor the situation in school.

Report to Police

 If someone threatens you or your child physically and/or is posting personal contact information; report this to the police immediately. Richard Shuster adds, "Many of the cyber-bullies are pretty adept at "covering their tracks" and a great deal of the victims may not actually know (at least initially) who's harassing them. This is important for parents of children who are committing the acts. An act of bullying may be intended as an innocent joke without the consequences being considered. Once the authorities get involved, they have little trouble tracing the identity of the bully. In this instance, an unsuspecting parent (if the child is under 18) may themselves face criminal charges if they don't know what their children on doing on the computer."

Shuster Solutions, is an organization specializing in helping parents protect their children from internet dangers. President, Richard Shuster, M.S. W., tells the story of a high school girl whose parents noticed a marked change in her grades and behavior. This popular, honor-roll student became depressed, withdrawn and suffered academically. Her parents had purchased internet monitoring software from Shuster Solutions and discovered she was being pursued by a student known as a drug dealer at school. She was rebuffing him, but feared the repercussions of turning him down. The father (unbeknownst to the daughter) took computer printouts of their conversations to the school principal. The principal alerted the school policeman, the boy's locker was raided, drugs were found and he was arrested on the spot. With the boy no longer a threat, the girl went back to being her normal, cheerful self and never knew what precipitated the boy's arrest. This story has a happy ending because her parents saw the signs of trouble and were on top of their child's internet use.

Warning signs that your child may be involved in some form of unwanted online/wired activity:

• Your child's behavior has changed dramatically (withdrawal, depression, abusing alcohol/drugs, dropping grades, violent outbursts).

• They're spending more time online or texting.

• Your cell phone bills suddenly escalate because of additional web or text usage.

• They become very secretive about computer usage or text messaging.

While there is no substitute for parental involvement, it's impossible to guard the computer 24 hours a day.  We recommend using internet monitoring software which takes screenshots, shows all e-mails, passwords, IM chats and every keystroke. The software will alert you via e-mail when certain words are typed on the child's computer.  While we've focused here on the negative impact of the internet, I believe it's important to remember the benefits. The internet offers information,  education and networking to the entire world in a way never before imagined. After all, you're reading this now....via the internet!

Lisa Smith Henderson, author of this article and radio personality, hosts the multi-CD parenting series, Teens Talk Truth. Henderson interviews today's teens on hot topics and then talks to an expert in each field to guide parents. For more information about internet safety, go to the Teens Talk Truth website, http://www.teenstalktruth.com and for internet monitoring software, http://www.shustersolutions.com which was established by Richard Shuster, MSW. Today's parents have a more complex world in which to raise children and this calls for new education, new approaches and most importantly, TRUTH. Teens Talk Truth distinguishes itself by being a direct source of information from teens and tweens on subjects from Sex to Eating Disorders. Lisa Smith Henderson is based in Atlanta, Georgia and is the parent of a 20 year-old and a 14 year-old. She knows firsthand the trials and triumphs associated with parenting teens.